my lost life between love, lust, and leisure

For how long do u plan to stay 17 y.o? :D

2010-03-27T00:39:00.001-07:00

until my face doesn't look 17 anymore :P

Just ask and I'll answer

formspring.me

2010-03-27T00:36:00.001-07:00

Just ask and I'll answer http://formspring.me/gianayu

Calvin Harris

2010-02-09T06:29:00.000-08:00

I AM THE LUCKIEST GIRL ON THE EARTH!

If you have no idea who this guy is, heres a discography of him..

I've been obsessed with this guy since 2008 (read:obsessed).
I remember I was browsing imeem.com when I first heard his song titled "Acceptable in the 80s" and I fell in love straight away.
His first album "I created disco" is very unique, I think the first album represents him best.
The second album however, is also great, but not as unique and as representative as the first album. From the way I hear the songs, its an experimental album. Although I have no idea what was he aiming for.

This picture was taken at 6th February 2010, zouk singapore.

Im still shaking til this day.

I TOOK A PICTURE WITH THE MAN WHO RE-CREATED DISCO!!!!

I've been given the opportunity that not every girl can get in their life. Therefore, I feel trully blessed.

No words can ever describe how genius this guy is at making music. I was stunned when I saw him performed. HE WAS FOCUS, HIS EYES WERE ATTACHED TO HIS INTRUMENTS.

Proves that he's a true musician. He wasnt distracted by the girls who were screaming his name, dancing crazily to his music, unlike other DJ who would take the advantage to glance at them and smile, trying to look cool.

It was one of the best night of my life, and I thank God for it.

Im so thankful that I've been given the opportunity to meet such a talented and unique musician. :):)

I've no words left to speak, I love u calvin harriiiiissss!!!! :):)

L L L

2009-12-03T04:32:00.000-08:00

“If your logic, lust and love never contradicts, then you’ve never been in a real relationship..”

—

Gianayu

I've found a new DESIRE!!

2009-08-16T00:05:00.001-07:00

Product name: Nico Digi (VQ1005 Nico Nico Version)

Brand: Superheadz, Japan

Sensor pixel: 1.3M

Sensor: CMOS

Lens: f=6.56mm

Image size: 640X480 / 1280X1024 / 1600X1200

Movie size: 320X240

Focal distance: 2 feet –> infinity

Macro: 2 – 6 inches

Exposure: Auto

White Balance: Auto

Self timer: 10 sec.

Image file format: JPEG

Movie file format: MPEG @ 6fps (maximum of 2.4MB per video)

Memory: SD card up to 2GB

Battery: AAA batteries

Dimensions: L60mm X H38mm X W20mm

Weight: 85 g including battery

Hopefully I can get it by COD this weekend.. ;)

PRETTY LITTLE LIARS

2009-08-14T09:07:00.001-07:00

nothing much I can say..
it's an incredible book!!
I personally think that this book is far more interesting than HARRY POTTER!

So 5 best friends, Ali, Spencer, Emily, Aria and Hanna are the most popular girls on Rosewood..
Each of them shared a little secret with Ali, and only Ali..
Until one day Ali went missing.. without a trace..
That's when they started receiving threatening messages from someone called "A", who'd swear to spill out their secrets if they didn't do exactly what it wants..
They thought A was Ali since she's the only one who knows each of their dirty little secrets..
That's before they found her body in a hole in her own backyard months later..
So who is this "A" who's been terrorizing these helpless little liars in Rosewood?
Ali's ghost?

IT'S A HIGHLY RECOMMENDED SERIES BOOK TO READ!

START FROM:
1. PRETTY LITTLE LIARS
2. FLAWLESS
3. PERFECT
4. UNBELIEVABLE
5. WICKED
6. KILLER

AND THE UPCOMING BOOKS:
HEARTLESS AT JANUARY 19 2010 AND TWISTED AT DECEMBER 2010..

IT'S ONLY OVER WHEN I SAY IT IS.. "A"

current desire

2009-07-09T23:20:00.000-07:00

Fujifilm instax mini 55i

Fujifilm instax 200

Fujifilm instax mini 7

Polaroid land camera

Fujifilm cheki instax mini 25

Fujifilm instax mini 20

I'm not a big fan of cameras, I'm also not good at photography..
It's not even a hobby of mine..
I don't know why, but looking at these pictures on the internet, lures me..
I REALLY REALLY WANT A POLAROID CAMERA!!
so please for anyone who knows where I can get one in MALAYSIA or INDONESIA, or maybe even in SINGAPORE, do inform me..

thank you..

we will always love you opa.. :)

2009-06-30T09:30:00.000-07:00

dear opa

2009-06-30T01:30:00.000-07:00

dear opa, I was shocked to found out about your conditions long time ago..
you looked so weak..
before I left, you could climb any mountain peak..
you had such a big heart, opa..
despite your pain, you were able to give away your daughter on her wedding..
you had such a high spirit in life..

dear opa,
I remember how you whispered me good luck on my college, and how u prayed for me to graduate soon..
Thank you opa..
I was calm when I went back to malaysia that day, because I knew that you were doing fine..
I was relieved everytime I heard news about you getting better opa..
especially when I know that you're able to walk again..

dear opa, i'm sorry for all of the things I did that might've hurt you..
for every birthday I forgot..
for everytime I grabbed the nintendo stick from you..
for everytime I get upset when you talk too much in the car..
for everytime you drive too slow until I would call you "turtle opa"..
for everytime I might've forget about you..

dear opa, you were so proud of your 'onta' car..
I remember being so young and selfish..
when I never said thank you after you drop me off from school..
thank you God for giving me the time to change, to be more mature..
for giving me the chance to grow up and start saying thank you..
thank you for always picking me and my brothers up from school opa..

dear opa, thank you so much for everything..
above all, I wanted to thank you the most for waiting for me..
I also thank God for giving the opportunity..
thank you so much opa for giving me the last chance to kiss you that night..
it was as if you knew that I was back hometown..
thank you opa for letting me see you for the last time, though it was very briefly..
it was still an amazing moment for me..

dear opa, you're up above with God now..
I'm happy that you're happy and no longer in pain..
I remember running in the hospital, scared that you're gonna go..
I'm sorry for being selfish and wasn't thinking that it was best for you..
I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise to take you to genting casino..
now God is taking you to the best casino you can ever imagine, opa..

dear opa, sorry that I can't stop crying..
I hope I didn't make things hard for you up there..
I promise I will get over this, so you don't have to worry about us opa..
I hope you're enjoying your casino and nintendos and chocolates up there, as well as riding your ducati..
this is my letter saying goodbye opa, til we meet again..
our love for you will never stop opa..
may you rest in peace by God's side..
AMEN

I am a smoke girl

2009-06-13T10:16:00.000-07:00

You tend to hide your emotions.

You are at a very low point in life.

You almost seem to not want to go on anymore, to fade away into smoke, not exist. You feel alone in life. You feel as if nobody could ever understand you. But there is only one thing that you cling to in life: You want to belong, but you dont want to change. You want to be around people you want to have a reason to go on.

You are sometimes envious of other people's seemingly perfect lives.

If you want to have a seemingly perfect life, then you should start hanging around warm sunlike people, or friendly earthlike people, or tell your problems to an quiet listener moon person.

And you always have a speck of hope inside of you.

Even if you feel all hope is lost, hope is hard to fully kill. so nurture and try to see life through different eyes, and maybe it'll be a brighter world.

What I learned about myself today..

2009-06-13T10:04:00.000-07:00

That I am a girl with a mask of strength..

I took a random facebook quiz about what kind of mask do I wear..

And this is what the outcome is..

A bit surprised, but this test really unveiled me..

It's like I was see through..

Not Invisible..

Just..

Crystal Clear..

Your mask is strength.

You try hard to fend for yourself.

You do not let others do things for you. You often need to be in control of a situation, even if you can't handle it alone. You are always putting on a front, even if you don't feel strong at all. You don't let others see you when you're vulnerable, because you barely let your self be. Despite your flaws of always trying to act strong, you are a strong person, with strong character that can do anything you put your mind to.

A lot of the times you really don't need anyone, and are perfectly capable on your own. However, there are times you find yourself wanting to let someone in but are not really sure how to.

new haircut muse : UFFIE

2009-05-26T08:55:00.000-07:00

virgo & gemini part 2

2009-05-23T22:54:00.000-07:00

Love horoscopes: zodiac sign compatibility for gemini and virgo

This articles describes the romantic personalities of Virgo and Gemini, and explains why they are likely to clash in a relationship

Though Virgo and Gemini are both ruled by Mercury, they almost never make a good match. Their personalities are totally different, in ways which are more adversarial than complimentary.  
Virgos are true, steady lovers who can only be reached through careful cultivation of their trust and interest. They are hardworking and serious, sometimes shy and bookish. Geminis, meanwhile, are the life of the party. Constantly searching for stimulation and new adventures, they enchant everyone they meet with their wit and energy. In the case of Virgo, that enchantment rarely lasts long. 
 
Gemini’s are perfect romantics. The female Gemini tends to be flirtatious and seductive. She is a bit of a seductress, when she has the time or inclination to play the role. The male Gemini is dashing and suave without being overbearing. He expresses his attraction with elegance and winning gestures, or with a calculated reserve which makes the object of his desire feel that she is trying to win his love.  
Virgo meanwhile, if she happens to catch the attention of a Gemini is neither won over by what she perceives as silly flirtation or pursue the coy Gemini. Male Virgos often find female Geminis fickle, unattainable, or overbearing. The only way these two will get together is if an unexplainable attraction overwhelms the judgment of Virgo and excites the curiosity of the Gemini. 
 
The first date is likely to prove disastrous. Virgo is quickly exhausted by Gemini’s quest for excitement, and Gemini sees Virgo as an impossible stick-in-the-mud. Gemini wines, dines, and parties, expecting to get the same treatment or at least a willing partner in crime. Virgo sees all this as superficial, suspects Gemini’s motives, and feels out of control. 
 
There is however, one arena in which they find something like magic. Their passionate, Mercury-ruled intellects find perfect companions in each other. Geminis love the ability of Virgos to converse intelligently on a number of subjects and are flattered by the natural Virgo curiosity. Virgos love the same traits in Geminis and are likely to view them as complex puzzles which they feel compelled to solve. 
 
If they do end up in a love affair, an affair is all that it is likely to be. Once Gemini realizes that he can’t break through Virgo’s carefully constructed defenses in a single night, he gives up the pursuit as too difficult, labeling Virgo as boring. Virgo will be hurt by the casual nature of the affair and feel tricked by the seeming shift from Gemini’s initial presentation to someone who is demanding and fickle. She has difficulty understanding that these two personalities can live in the same body--one must be true, the other false. 
 
If they are to catch and keep each other, both will have to revise the way they approach love and relationships. Virgo will have to let go a little, otherwise the seriousness with which she approaches love will frighten and intimidate Gemini. She will have to come out of her shell and make a concerted effort to keep Gemini interested. If she taps the love of pleasure and experience beneath her surface, she can potentially succeed. Gemini, meanwhile, will have to give up his insistence on absolute perfection. He will have to look inside himself and outside of romantic love to find some of the variety he craves. Meanwhile, he’ll have to realize Virgo’s need for reassurance and trustworthiness. Most importantly, he’ll have to learn to work so that he can meet Virgo on her own level and not be on the receiving end of her contempt for laziness. If you believe in the saying that “opposites attract,” you might see these two working, balancing each other’s flaws and focusing each other’s strengths, but the road will never be smooth. 
 
In long term relationships, these two can clash on a number of levels. The oppositions in their personalities become more apparent as time goes on. They tend to lose compassion for and patience with each other, which can result in nasty breakups where both are deeply wounded. 
 
Once they are deeply attached, Geminis are almost completely trustworthy, sometimes even possessive and jealous. Almost isn’t good enough for Virgo. Virgo needs to have complete trust in a mate in order to face the risk of rejection when showing the sensual, loving, loyal nature they hide so well. Gemini often becomes exhausted with this distrust and lives up to every negative expectation. Also, the impossibility of trusting what Gemini says, as they are often unaware of their dual nature, wears thin with Virgo. Every contradiction can be viewed as a betrayal. 
 
Both signs are subtly manipulative. Gemini makes sure Virgo knows how much he loves her, often making it clear that they give the most love in the relationship. This exerts a form of control and expectation, which the other partner feels obligated to live up to. Virgo, on the other hand, can’t help but call Gemini’s bluff. The critical Virgo nature causes them to pick apart Gemini and question every paradox. Gemini feels unloved and unappreciated, which gives them a reason to move on. 
 
Sexually, the two are ill matched. Gemini is highly experimental, in need of constant variety, and enamored with adventure. Virgo can’t always be the aggressive bedroom virtuoso that Gemini requires. Virgo often recognizes that Gemini is more adept at the physical act than at emotional follow-through and can become completely frigid with nervousness. Though Gemini may teach Virgo some tricks which will shock future lovers, these two are not likely to obtain any long-term satisfaction from each other. 
 
In social occasions, the two also clash. Gemini’s broad spectrum of acquaintances confuse and tire Virgo, who feels sapped of the energy she generally saves for close friends. Virgo may also feel threatened by all the other people in Gemini’s life, seeing herself as only one among many. Gemini cannot stand Virgo’s social aloofness or her tendency to prefer quiet evenings at home. The two would have to compromise a great deal in order to meet each other’s needs. 
 
Career interests create another clash. Virgo finds the Gemini emphasis on play before work lazy, juvenile, and infuriating. Virgo may rightly feel that she is doing all of the work while Gemini is having all of the fun. Geminis hate being put second to a career, and Virgo is likely to do just that. They don’t understand why Virgo can’t leave work early, stop cleaning the house, relocate on a whim, or run off with them for a vacation. 
 
Though anything is possible in love, Virgos and Geminis have a lot to overcome. If they manage it, they will likely feel a deserved sense of pride in their relationship, which will gratify both of their egos. However, it is more likely that their contact will be fleeting and unfulfilling. Gemini will continue the search for his perfect twin and Virgo will seek someone more stable.

Taken from http://www.essortment.com/lifestyle/lovehoroscopes_swxt.htm

Virgo Woman & Gemini Guy

2009-05-23T22:48:00.000-07:00

There's good chances of coming out of this combination looking like you've been shredded. ( Source: AquarianAge Romance )

For Gemini: This is not the best union, the practical Virgo views you as being disorganized and frivolous. You on the other hand don't think that the Virgoan knows how to have a good time. ( Source: Love Test )

For Virgo: Not a chance. The risky, carefree fickle Gemini sees you as a drag. Truly a miracle if the two of you do interact for any length of time. This union is best left alone unless other factors prevail in both charts. ( Source: Love Test )

Virgo is critical and Gemini is tactless. Not a good match at all. Both have a mental approach to life but the similarities end there. Virgo thinks Gemini is scatterbrained and immature. Gemini thinks Virgo is a stick in the mud and a bore. Virgo is analytical and Gemini looks that as indifference. Virgo is critical and Gemini is tactless. Gemini has a roving eye which doesn’t sit well with Virgo. ( Source: Astrology Fun )

Gemini Man & Virgo Woman

This match probably won’t lead to long-term love. You both have active and intelligent minds, and that might draw you towards each other at first. Unfortunately, he is a wild thing who brings out your jealous and controlling side. Gemini boys are incorrigible flirts who just can’t resist making eyes at every girl they see. They also have a bad reputation for being unfaithful. This will drive you nuts. He will hate your need to always know where he is and what he’s doing (and with who) and he’ll start feeling trapped. Yes, he’s attractive, but he’s just too unreliable for a level-headed girl like you. This is a mismatch. ( Source: Jellybean's Astro-Soulmate Guide )

With Gemini boy, Virgo girl will have a partner with whom to commiserate. It's nice to be understood, and that's the beauty of this relationship; you often think and feel the same things at the same time. Even the stuff that creeps you out or thrills you may be the same, and there's safety and comfort in your shared feelings. ( Source: FUNgirl - Astrology )

taken from http://www.dressking.com/horoscope/Virgo-Gemini.htm

Then again, we can always use our differences to complete each other right? Where's the fun dating someone who's exactly like us? Too predictable..

my 7 deadly sins

2009-05-11T03:56:00.000-07:00

Greed:	Low
Gluttony:	Medium
Wrath:	Low
Sloth:	Medium
Envy:	Very Low
Lust:	Very High
Pride:	Medium

I have no comment what so ever..
But it's worth to try on you spare times..
Take the Seven Deadly Sins Quiz

look what my precious made for me!!

2009-05-07T06:21:00.000-07:00

Thank you so much.. Happy 10th monthlyversary..
I love you more each day.. I'm so lucky to have you..
There is no other words I could say to describe how thankful I am for having you here beside me..
Thank you for always being there for me..
Anytime I needed you, anytime I crave for you, not to mention when I'm clingy and over-spoil at times..
Thank you for always supporting me, especially when I'm vulnerable..
Thank you for picking me up everytime I'm at my lowest..
Thank you for being my head to think when I'm crazy, my shoulder to cry (obviously), my best friend, my lover, my GAYfriend, my brother, and most of all, my everything..
You're the best and I hope that even though we'll end up with someone else later on, you will always remember me like I will always remember you..
Thank you dear..
Love you.. :):)

Me, getting to know myself better

2009-04-28T06:42:00.000-07:00

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are not looking merely for a girl/boyfriend - you are looking for your life partner. Perhaps you should be more open-minded about who you spend time with. The person you are looking for might hide their charm under their exterior.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.

The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

from: http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx

strgr

2009-04-02T10:13:00.000-07:00

dear mr. boyfriend
i love u from then
probably till the end
you're my only man

dear mr. perfect
i gave u all my respect
we had some good aspect
before she became a suspect

dear mr. stranger
seems like it was forever
that we are together
i thought you were clever

dear mr. unknown
i love being with you alone
from morning til dawn
though i wake up and you're gone

dear mr. who are you?
you used to love her too
i wished you know me too
like you know when she's blue

dear mr. who's never there
i just can't finish my lines..
it hurts me deeply..
to find out you're a stranger in my life..

classy and cheerful

2009-04-01T08:33:00.000-07:00

to wake up right beside you..

2009-03-26T03:59:00.000-07:00

People may find happiness through money..
Through life..
Through love..

People may find happiness through fun..
Through doing the things that they love..

Though I have my odd share of feeling happy..
I consider my self very lucky..
Because I'm able to find happiness by watching the guy I love sleeping in my bed.. :)

Funny isn't it?
How strange for me to smile just to see someone snoring in my room..
Like I said before,this is how I define my happiness..
For me, this is the most beautiful sight I've ever seen..

I always feel this strange yet ineffably beautiful feeling every time..
I can't help but to smile..
I don't care whether he snores..
whether he makes funny faces or even drools..
I can't help but to love this feeling..
I can't stop smiling to witness this oh-so-blissful view..

Not to mention how he would hug me before we went off to bed..
Every night..
Right before I rest my eyes..
The ecstatic emotion that I feel..
The chills running down my spine..
The bumping of my heart that's about to explode..
Not to mention the warm feeling of being safe..
I've never felt this safe within a man's arms before..

Yet however..
The most unexplainably amazing..
The most superb..
The most stupendous feeling..
Is when I open my eyes in the morning to find him beside me..

It is however the reason why I always wake up smiling.. :)
Oh how I love waking up to find him still sleeping..
I can't help but to kiss his cheek then hold him tightly everyday..
Right before I begin my day..

This 'thing' I do each day..
Somehow replaced my night tea and my morning coffee..

There's nothing left to say or do..
Other than just to thank God..
For allowing me to have this amazing man to be by my side..
For allowing me to have such protection..
Such love..
Such happiness within my life..

Thank you, God.. :)

burning ladiiies..

2009-03-25T00:51:00.000-07:00

dancing with the lights and the music

2009-03-23T07:18:00.000-07:00

Lights and Music

Kept us dancing the night away..
We felt so free even til the next day..

A glimpse of music running through your ears..
With a struck of lights playing with your eyes..

Next thing you know you're moving your knees..
A tempting insanity of temporary bliss..

As the music starts to fade and call it a day..
We add a little sigh with a smile on our face..

bob haircut?

2009-03-19T08:30:00.000-07:00

My beloved friend, Gladyza Amanda a.k.a Mandy has suggested me to cut my hair bob style..
I straight away googled up some bob hairstyle pictures..
Here are some examples of medium bob styles..
COMMENTS ARE HIGHLY RECOMMENDED..
hehehe..

I need a new haircut & I need your suggestions

2009-03-19T06:40:00.000-07:00

I'm dead bored of my old hair, to make it worst I hate the fact that my hair falls off all the time.
I have no idea of what is wrong with me??
I use hair vitamins almost everyday, and I don't think I'm currently depressed..
Then again, it's always a different story when assignment's due date or exam weeks are coming up..
The thing is..
I don't want to go bold before I have grandchildren..
How am I supposed to get married when I don't have enough hair on my head to attract a future husband?? ( exaggerating mode on +)
hehehe..
So anyway, I'm thinking about cutting it medium-length, and I hope by cutting it shorter may help reducing the hair fall..
I'm currently attracted to Taylor Momsen and Hayley Williams's hairstyle. So here is a pic of me, and the pics of the haircut I'm currently attracted to, comments are strongly recommended, pleasee oh pleaaseee help me choose a new hairstyle..
PS: do not be fooled by the colour of their hairstyles, I won't dye my hair the same, I'm thinking about dying my hair Jet Black.. PLEASE OH PLEASE GIVE ME A GOOD SUGGESTION..

pic 1

pic2

pic 3

pic 4

pic 5

pic 6

I'm a RED WOLF. What do you think?

2009-03-18T05:09:00.000-07:00

Gianayu
13/09/1989

You are Red Wolf, who is not afraid of meeting new people, and are kind to everybody.

You are very sociable and extremely innocent woman.

There are many unique type of people in Red Wolf.

You are bold enough to push your own way, without being restricted by tradition and common knowledge.

You don't care what the other people think of you.

You want to do as you wish.

Therefore, your life style and preferences are little bit different from others.

You dislike having no style of your own.

You possess your own sense of balance, and you create your own environment.

You have sharp instinct that you use in daily life.

This makes you do a good job of life.

You are very pure inside, but this sometimes can create misunderstanding.

Your action that you do unconsciously may not be understood by the others.

Once you decide on something, you will definitely carry it out.

But that may be today or a year later.

This makes it difficult to plan other things.

You ought to be careful not to give up so easily.

Although you tend to be rather unique, the way you look for originality makes you successful in the field of designing and planning.

You are cheerful and have dreams, so you can adapt to circumstances quite easily.

You have a good sense of balance.

You can think and calculate about your future.

You may go for an arranged marriage.

untitled

2009-03-17T06:56:00.000-07:00

we were inseperable once
the smile you once had
that now starts to fade

nothing can stop us now
we once laughed happily
before you decided to leave me

once you and I were a we
now whats left is only me
i'm setting you free
you're future is not here with me
love is worthless when I cant make you happy

i tried so hard to understand
the stare you gave in her eyes
something you don't know I realize

it aches to know I'm not the one
hurts me more to see you cry
now you may no longer live a lie

once you and I were a we
now whats left is only me
i'm setting you free
you're future is not here with me
love is worthless when I cant make you happy

you were all that i wanted
never a day with you I'd wasted
you've no idea how much I had to bleed
the day I realize she's who you need

I finally can cook!

2009-03-13T06:25:00.000-07:00

After all this time of enjoying Italian foods. I couldn't have imagined myself cooking them. Even though my cooking are not as good as the cooking at other Italian restaurants, but it's a start and luckily nobody had ever threw up after eating my creations.. :) ENJOY!

cheese fussili with mushroom carbonara and primavera

fussili del formaggio con il carbonara e il primavera del fungo

penne with mushroom and herbs
penne con il fungo e le erbe

Spinach Tortellini with pesto
Tortellini degli spinaci con il pesto
Spaghetti Alfredo

when virginity is no longer sacred

2009-03-07T20:44:00.000-08:00

I'm quite confused with lots of girl's behavior nowadays.

The more naughty they get, the prouder they are.
It's nothing personal, but the truth is, it's sad to see how many young, beautiful, talented girls wasted their one life to things that aren't worth doing while knowing that one day they will definitely regret.
I know that a lot of people still considers me as a young girl, especially when they see of how I act bubbly around people, yet I've seen a lot of things in my 19 years of life.
At elementary when I was just twelve, I've seen kids my age already knew how to lock their lips beneath the school desk. I was scared yet I still could manage.
At junior high, I've seen how the boys at school learned how to get pleasure by harassing their own friends. I've also seen how girls my age are proud to date older guys without knowing that all they want was just to deflower something so freshly new and exciting. I was petrified to learned something so repulsive at a very young age.
At high school, I've seen that talking about sex is no longer taboo. I was speechless to know how girls are dying to lose their virginity to guys who I knew has been kissing someone else in a club.

What they don't know is the story of a girl named Foxy.
Who lost her virginity because she dated an older guy who forcefully ripped off her clothes and stick his penis into her vagina without caring how she cried and cried and begged for him not to.
And now where is that guy who promised her eternity?
Nowhere to be found.
What happened to her now?
She now can't differentiate between sex and making love.
Is that what love truly is?
I say that's lust.

I have one story of a girl named Precious.
She lost her virginity on curiosity.
Sadly to a guy who kept yelling and cursing her everytime she did even just a simple little mistake.
Then he dumped her on an ineffably stupid reason and until now he never answers or return her calls.
Then she moves on thinking that it's not worth to regret what's already been done.
Because she's a very precious and honest person, she told her new boyfriend the naked truth.
Only then to find him forcing her to pull off her pants, then went missing for months the following week and he wasn't even man enough to dump her face to face.
Now she's traumatized and find it hard to trust again.
Is that love truly is?
I say that's fraud.

They also don't know the story of a girl named Violet.
How she lost her virginity?
She was sleeping and her boyfriend suddenly came to wake her up only to forcefully deflowered her. She didn't see that coming so she bled sooo hard until her bed sheet was full of blood.
She cried and she cried and cursed him. All he had to do cheer her up was just to say "I promise you, I'll be responsible, I'll take care of you, and I'll never ever leave you."
So she trusted him and love him even more.
Then the following week he went missing for 3months because she said the wrong thing at the wrong time to him.
What happened next?
He called just to dump her and days later she found out that he already had a new girlfriend.
Is that what love truly is?
I say that's bullshit.

The last story that I want to tell you is about a girl named Zoey.
She dated a guy who thought could be her first true love.
He keeps cheating on her while at the same time forcing her to give his virginity to him without caring how she cried and begged and pleaded for him to stop pulling down her pants.
She finally lost her virginity accidentally, on a sofa while watching tv just to please her boyfriend and hoped for him never to cheat on her again.
Few months later he cheated on her again and this time it's with her best friend.
They're relationship became very unhealthy and every time she tried to move on, he would search the guy and beat him up.
So she had no choice but to please him mentally, physically and biologically.
She lost all her friends, her carrier, and her perfectly good grades.
Few years later he dumped her, used her anytime he can reach her, but then never took the responsibility to asked her to be his girlfriend again, finished up her money, asked her to pay every meal he ate and every fuel of his car just to find him dating someone else just few months later after she had to sell her house because of her financial problems.
Now she lost something she could never regain to someone who promised her forever yet it was actually 'never'.
Is that what truly love is?
I don't even know what to say.

- a statement from my friend, Zoey -
I think that some girls just don't know what they've got til it's gone.
They think that making love was always about true love, doing it with the right one, at the right time, and at the right place.
I don't know how a lot of girls can have many one night stand without getting emotionally involved?
How can they give away something so sacred so easily to a guy who would'nt even recognize them 10 years ahead?
I bet they've no idea how it feels to lose something so worth it to someone whose so worthless.
I bet they've no idea how it feels to lose something that they'll never had the chance have it again.
I bet they've no idea how it hurts sooo badly to give everything they are only to find that they were only used as a tool for temporary pleasure.
Well I do.
I've lost something so worth it to someone whose so worthless.
I've lost something that I'll never had the chance have it again.
I've felt sooo badly hurt to give everything they are only to find that they were only used as a tool for temporary pleasure.
Now I feel so ashamed and filthy at times everytime I remember about how I lost it.
But this is life, now I've nothing left to do but just to live with a grudge in my heart, regretful thoughts in my head and trauma within my soul.

I just want to say thanks to all those girls who shared their stories with me and I hoped that this post my help other girls to learn life the hard way without having to go through what all those girls had to go through.
Trust me, virginity is worth protecting for.

I've pierced my belly again! :)

2009-03-07T07:09:00.000-08:00

This is a video of my 1st piercing.
At August 2007, I accidentally ripped my piercing when rubbing my belly while taking a bath..
I've re-pierced my belly today, but I'm sorry that I don't upload any pictures of my new piercing..
Because sadly, now I'm fat..
I'll update the pictures later after I'm sure that no body will puke when looking at belly.. x)

what a shitty day!

2009-03-05T00:07:00.000-08:00

It happened yesterday, exactly at 4th march 2009. I went to campus as usual, only to find that there were no parking spaces left! The usual spot in front of the canteen was full, and the usual spot in front of the president hall was blocked because the aircraft programs was on exam.

I didn't want to park at the visitor's spot (which I should've!) because it takes a long walk to class and yesterday was BLOODY HOT!! So I parked in front of the girl's dorm between two random cars. There was a yellow line there which means it's forbidden to park there, but I OBEYED it. Later on, when I got back from class, I got a ticket on my window saying that I got fined 50RM for parking at the yellow line area, WHICH I DID NOT! Oh well, "shit happens" i thought. It's only 50Rm anyway and whoever did this to me is definitely going to get KARMA. I didn't want any hassle to happen, so I just tried not to care. So I moved on and then went out to have some fun with my boyfriend and my friend, Daniel. We're going to the gardens, near mid valley to go to maxis to check on my T-mobile G1 google phone. I also want to check this cool Puma shoes that I really wanted!The price of the shoes was about 225RM. I was also planning to re-pierced my belly, I already prepared and brought my former ring with me so it'll cost cheaper. I took my ring off because it got cut while I was taking a bath a year ago and it was bleeding everywhere. We were planning to go to Sungai Wang after wards, because I've been craving to get a scooter since almost a month ago.It was fun at first, we were laughing and singing along the way. Like nothing could go wrong (thats what I thought). Once we arrived, I went straight away to Maxis to settle my phone, than we went accross to Mid Valley. Once we reached Mid valley, we went straight away to topshop, ms. selfridge & dorothy perkins, everything was end of season sale!! I was sooo excited. I own a fashion fast forward member card, so everything I purchase at those shops, I can get 10% off each item I get. I finally shopped at dorothy perkins where I bought a nice grey dress which I can wear formally and cassualy, it was soooo worth the spending. I also bought a cute loose T-shirt, it was quite cheap so I bought it anyway. After everything was settled, we were about to go to Sungai Wang when I suddenly had the urge to take a leak (pee-pee). Then I went out just for about 1minute when I realize, I LEFT MY SHOPPING BAG IN THE TOILET!! SHIT!!! I ran straight away to the bathroom.. When I got there I was happy to see the plastic bag was still there.. But when I looked inside, IT WAS EMPTY!!!!!! **** **** **** ****!!!! I wasted 245RM over nothing!! ****!!!! I was sooo depressed!! I was confused... I wanted that dress soooo much, but all the money that I had left was supposed to be spend on my scooter, my puma shoes, and to pierce my belly.. oh GOSH! So the total amount for the money I lost today was about 300RM! thats like 1,000,000 rupiah! I could've bought a lot of things with that money.. Nevertheless, I finally bought the same dress and the same shirt AGAIN!!!! The nerve of that bitch!! It would've been a different story if someone left a handphone or a handbag, it's very normal to find it missing, but come on! It's only clothes, in a sophisticated mall, AND ON AN END OF SEASON SALE!! What makes her think that she shares the same size with me anyway???? I cursed that bitch along the way to sungai wang.. Here's the clothes that I bought two times in a day: At sungai wang I just ate instead of looking for my scooter. Then afterwards we went to Riverwine Pavilion KL to buy 2 bottles of wine, I really really really needed a break after what just happened. Here's a picture of me depressed & a bit tipsy : At the end, all I got was just the dress, the loose T-shirt and no piercing on my belly, no puma shoes and no Goddamn scooter!!

LIGHTS & MUSIC part deux

2009-02-28T18:13:00.000-08:00

It was a happy thursday and fun friday. DJ MORON was on his first official professional job. He played at a place called club9&6 lounge and bar club.
Everybody had lots of fun. There were poles that we can dance on at the place. Free beers here and there, it was delightful! The crowd was awesome so was the music as well. Come what may to ruin the moment. Never mind, we just kept dancing the whole night away. It was another lights&music night. Nothing could ever go wrong.

~ CONGRATULATIONS DUDE!! ~

love?

2009-02-14T06:38:00.000-08:00

I've been running and running around..
I'm tired of searching for what's not meant for me to found..
I know how to feel..
Yet I can't seem to tell whether it's real..
What is this craving of you that I have?
Every glance we shared, I misbehaved..
What is this longing for you that I felt?
Every time our eyes met, I'm about to melt..
What is this desire of you I suffer?
Everyday this feeling inside goes deeper..

Is this what they recalled as LOVE?
Is this what suppose to make people fly high up above?
If this is what they say love is..
Then why am I wailing all my tears?
If this is what they say shall bring hope and happiness..
Then why am I sitting here with my loneliness?

I remember running down this road before..
Searching for something they named as paramour..
Once , I remember being so naive..
To find something so ineffably alluring yet twas all deceive..
All the unexplainable craving that I had..
Just to find love sleeping at someone else's bed..
All the majestically longing that I felt..
Just to know my hands was not the only love has held..
All the greatful desire I had to suffer..
Just to lost the love who'd left me with wonder..

Is this what they recalled as LOVE?
The one that made me fly up above?
If this is what they say love is..
Then I've fell hard from the sky as rain of tears..
If this is what they say shall bring hope and happiness..
Then I've failed to find either only myself as a carcass..

If this is love, then it had deserted me with only pieces..
If this is love, then it is not what my soul wishes..
If this is love, then I've sadly learn it the hard way..
If this is love, then I've known better just to walk away..

another endless tags.. @_@

2009-02-12T00:44:00.000-08:00

I was tagged from 2 of my friend which are Amanda and Gelardy

This award comes with the following consequences.
First, put this logo on your blog
Second, answer these questions below:

1. What is your main reason to make a blog?
So that I have something to do when I don't have anything left to do. It first started out when my former housemate told me to check out her blog. I didnt understand the purpose at that moment, but after I tried making one, I started to like it, especially when I've nothing left to do.

2. Whose blog that visit after you make your own blog?
Anyone's posting who I thought is interesting. Simple answer right?

3. Tag 5 people you visit often!
Jack, Gerdy, Amanda, Diandra, Zee

Thank you. So long. Goodbye. Good Riddance.

jealousy..

2009-02-03T07:02:00.000-08:00

it's one thing that's hard to keep out of a relationship. especially when we were hurt once or even more from our previous relationships. so how is it to heal this particular sickness that usually causes relationship to end? if the answer is moving on, i've passed that. if the answer is time, it's been long enough but this feeling still comes and goes. i hate this feeling yet i've found no conclusion to not feel it everytime it struck. truth is i hate being jealous all the time. it trully isn't healthy at all. :( then i started to listen to this song by vidi aldiano - cemburu menguras hati ( jealousy exhausts heart) i feel so guilty because jealousy doesnt only hurt us, but it may also hurt the other participants. at the end, i'm finally out of words. because until this day, i'm still traumatized and haunted by most of my past relationships. therefore i just want to say i'm sorry if my jealousy ever hurt anybody, and i dedicate this song especially to 'you'. i'm sorry, but i can't help myself, i guess i still havent succeeded overcoming my fears of getting hurt or cheated again. i hope you'll understand how hard it is for me to forget all of my bad memories, and i hope you do notice that even though sometimes i still can be control by my jealousy, that behind all that i truly am trying the best i can to heal. so here is the lyric of the song :

Tiga hari kunanti
Jawabanmu oh kasih
Setiap saat ku harap
Ada keajaiban dalam dirimu
Indahnya masa lalu
Tergores amarahku
Cemburu menguras hati
Galau kini menyiksa diri

Reff :
Kembalilah kau kekasihku
Jangan putuskan kau tinggalkan aku
Sekalipun sering ku menyakitimu
Tapi hanya kaulah pengisi hatiku
Oo... Maafkan aku
Oo... Maafkan egoku
Oo... Maafkan diriku

translation :

3 days i've waited
for your answer, love
every moment i hope
there's a miracle inside of you
how beautiful the past
scratch by my anger
jealousy exhausts heart
desolation now tortures me

reff:
come back, love
dont decide to leave me
even though i often hurt you
but you're the only one in my heart
oo.. forgive me
oo.. forgive my ego
oo.. forgive me

Lights and Music

2009-01-31T23:13:00.000-08:00

It was a boring Friday.

Nothing to do.
Nowhere to go.

It was just horrid.

Then we started to get some booze.
Mix it up with sodas and juice.
Turn on some lights.
Play some music.
There we have it.

LIGHTS AND MUSIC.

Falling Star

2009-01-18T06:29:00.000-08:00

I'd wait and wait each night..
With hopeful eyes I stare as I might..
Wind blows hard my chest now tight..
Waiting for the sky to spare me light..

Despite of all the words they've spoken..
I covet to fix what I think is broken..
Thus I wait with patience and devotion..
For a light between the mists of perfection..

Falling star..
In the still night I stare and wait..
You're my last chance to get better fate..
Let them say how it's all myth..
I believe to deserve my very wish..

Ti's dreary how my tainted heart eloped..
This time I refuse to be lost of hope..
Night befriend me as I try to cope..
I need my wish to end this mope..

With naked hands I fight their deceit..
I shan't fall as my heart still beats..
Let me wait the night within discreet..
So tonight near my glass window I sit..

Falling star..
In the still night I stare and wait..
You're my last chance to have better fate..
Let them say how it's all myth..
I believe to deserve my very wish..

Falling star..
Til this night I stare and wait..
Let vain try to steal my faith..
Yet I believe all this aren't myth..
You still owe me my very wish..

Falling star..
Til tonight I still stare and wait..
Til this very moment I have faith..

cooking with love <3

2009-01-16T06:19:00.000-08:00

My desire to have an Italian chef as my future husband seems out of reach as I noticed lately..
I'm madly deeply craving to eat Italian almost everyday..
Thus, the more I realize that that certain desire of mine is quite impossible, the less I gave up..
So, I started to learn how to cook Italian foods..
Whereby, I also begged my boyfriend to teach me how to cook, luckily his mom is splendid at cooking, so I guess it runs in his blood..
Whereas back hometown, my family and I often goes to all of my favorite Italian resto almost everyday.. :)
So, here's some pictures of our creation..
1. Spaghetti Alfredo
2. Preparation
3. A mixture of cheese fussili with mushroom carbonara and primavera
4. Enjoying our dinner

What you are to me <3

2009-01-14T06:10:00.000-08:00

To my real life fairy tale..
As prince your kiss awakens me..
As dwarf you'd care as I wailed..
As knight you'd fight my pride courageously..

To the one I named my everything..
As friend you'd accompany me ubiquitously..
As family you'd stood by me til I have wings..
As lover you'd love me endlessly..

To my first and truly dearest..
I'm out of words to describe your perfection..
Oddly to you I fall my deepest..
Never have I felt this much of passion..

To whom I can never live without..
Thank you for all the deeds you did..
Thank you for all the temptations you've fought..
Thank you for fulfilling all my needs..

To he who'll always be in my heart..
Know that these words I say are true..
I dreamed of never being apart..
I Love you..

pre-examination party

2008-11-30T01:17:00.000-08:00

Exam week is only 2days ahead!
On the night when I was suppose to be studying at home..
I went out instead..
Just so me and my boyfriend can show off our new T-shirt, jeans, accessories, and of course our new shoes!

an unexpected exchange of gifts.

2008-11-28T07:19:00.000-08:00

Once upon a day, a girl was studying at a nearby library which was located at her campus. It's nearly her exam week, she spends most of her time there, studying.
Today she thought, would be just like any other day. As she hopelessly studies, she start to feel the cold breeze of the air con running down her spine. She's exhausted and freezing.
As time goes by, suddenly this guy came out of nowhere.
He was wearing this black coat and he was carrying this mysterious shoebox.
"Here.." he said while taking off his warm coat and handed it to the girl.
"It's real.." he said while handing over the mysterious shoe box.
As the guy fades away, she slowly put on his coat to warm her.
Then she opened the box slowly.

And there it was..
The unexpected blue rose was right there on her lap..
Then her cellphone vibrated, there was a message..

"I love you three times a day.. That's why I gave you 3 roses.."

Turns out it was from that guy..
She called him right away to say thank you..
"It's just a little something to cheer you up while you're studying.." he said.
She blushed and smiled widely even though she knew he couldn't see her over the phone.
At home, she marched up to her room and immediately water the roses and place it beside her bed.

Little does this guy know.
A little surprise was also waiting for him somewhere in her cozy room.
Surprisingly she also prepared a special gift for the guy.
What an unexpected day.
The common day, when there's no special occasion occurs turns out to be the perfect day for an unexpected exchange of gifts.
"Here.." she said.
"I love you 100times more each day.. Thank you.."
She sighs and give thanks to God..
"Dear God, thank you for listening to my prayers.. I've been bragging long enough about wanting to have someone who completely understands me to be by my side all the time. Someone who cares for me. Someone who I can always run to whenever I'm down.
Thank you God for sending me this incredible guy to be someone that I can always cherish."
She smiles widely and deep down she knew, she believes..
She has finally found the guy who can wipe all of her tears of sadness away and replace it with tears of laughter and happiness..
The guy who is able to show her the light at the end of the tunnel..

6.7.8

Dear mom

2008-11-25T11:13:00.000-08:00

dear mom, i'm trapped in my own world.
there's nowhere to go, no where to run.
wish i could turn to you to hold.
yet your fierce heart burns me like the sun.

dear mom, i wish that you could see.
how your little girl is lost of hope.
she's trying to be the best that she can be.
yet you asked her to be cool and smoke some dope.

dear mom, i'm a girl with lots of dreams.
i know i caused yours unfulfilled.
i'm sorry to ruined your youth like it seems.
never knew being born was a burden i must carry as a guilt.

dear mom, i wish i was born because of love.
instead i was born as a matter of lack of responsibility.
every night i'd pray to mighty God above.
i wish i was born because i was wanted in my own family.

dear mom, we're different as you can see.
what you did does not assure it's what i'll do.
the mistake you did, you made it a reason to blame everything on me.
mom, i can be smart if you'd let me learn from my own mistakes too.

dear mom, this is not me saying i hate you.
yet you need to perceive how i'm half woman with pride.
happiness was everything i tried to give you.
somehow my attempts slowly killing me from inside.

dear mom, i wish you taught me to be strong.
instead i'm weak and unable to say NO.
i'm not saying you've grown me wrong.
i just wished you weren't too hard, now i'm too low.

dear mom, i wish you could be my shoulder to cry.
the home you built calms not my heart.
you acted like you wanted know me, but you never try.
the thought of you can't accept my flaws tears me apart.

dear mom, i'm not perfect and you can't claim me to be.
i wish i could show you truly who this girl really is.
but i doubt your love would not grow less on me.
so much i envy others who knew how mother's love is likely bliss.

dear mom, i know my face reminds you of the guy who broke your heart.
but that doesn't mean that i'll do the same thing to you.
though i'm angry at you at times, i'll still love you no matter what.
even when you bring me down to my worst,still i'll always cherish you.

dear mom, i've tried so hard to make you believe.
even with every inch of vice you may find out.
i'm sorry for your every demand i failed to achieve.
i cant replace your life i took, i'm just what i'm all about.

dear mom, i'm sorry that i'm still here and alive.
my heart broke into pieces when you asked me to be suicidal.
i did lost a lot of blood but it didn't end my life.
it was painful mom, i tried my best but it was not easy at all.

dear mom, forgive me for being so veiled.
i'm petrified for you to know me better.
i never meant to be so weak and so full of wail.
hoping you could see me happy to be myself someday later.

dear mom, i'm sorry for everything i did.
i wish you're someone who'd understand most of me.
i hope someday you'd appreciate the things i succeed.
mom, i hope you'd love me for whoever i may be.

dear mom, i'm sorry for everything i am.
i'm sorry for everything i couldn't be.
i wish i could be more than just your blame.
forgive me mom, i hope someday you could love me for me.

wish / to do list of the moment

2008-11-21T19:32:00.000-08:00

1. start dancing again. SOON!
2. graduate next year!
3. get good grades on theory of finance. :'(
4. marry an Italian chef 7 years ahead.
5. open a dancing studio.
6. learn to say 'NO'.
7. learn to stand up for myself and my believes.
8. be a better person.
9. STOP being so vengeful and full of hate!
10. less criticizing and more analyzing.
11. start working out again. SOON!!
12. posses a body like jessica alba at honey :(
13. start caring about the world politically, economically, globally, and whatsoever-ly. x)
14. decrease my intensity of selfishness and not-caring for others.
15. start remembering everybody's birthdays.
16. decrease my foolishness of being too naive and too gullible.
17. think less negatively and more positively.
18. stop bitching about people who bitches me from behind.
19. stop obsessing about wanting to be perfect and more accepting who i really am.
20. stop wanting other people's possession which i may not have.
21. start trusting others but stop being too easy to trust people. ??
22. stop hating people who judge me carelessly w/out knowing me first.
23. last but not least, being in an everlasting and happy relationship that my family would also approve with my current boyfriend. :')

wish i was her

2008-11-11T23:46:00.000-08:00

i wish i was pretty
i wish my hair stays in place
i wish i was never messy
i wish i had a flawless face

i wish i could sing
i wish i was smart
i wish i was good at everything
i wish i was more beautiful outside

i wish i had a perfect body
i wish i had a seducing laughter
i wish that you would love me
just like you used to love her

i'd never wish to make you pout
yet i wish you'd stay here forever
if it takes to be everything i'm not
i wish i could be just like her

the girl you used to cherish all your might
whom you can't forget until today
the one you longed to hold close and tight
who can sweep all your sorrows away

i wish that you would love me
more than you used to love her
i wish i was the one who can make you happy
more than her, i wish i could do better
i pray for you to love me endlessly
deep down i wish i was her

Just a simple little piece of my mind..

2008-11-05T04:35:00.000-08:00

" If you leave someone you love for someone you like, that someone you like will probably leave you for someone they love. Then, by the time you realize that, that 'someone you love', the one you left for 'someone you like' is the only one who can love you truly, that 'someone you love' will probably already in a state of moving on and had left you for 'someone who can appreciate them more'. "

Agree or Disagree?

My Passion

2008-11-05T03:38:00.000-08:00

DANCING

in the center of the stage
feels like I'm on top of the world within minutes
as people cheered, i glanced
nothing ever felt so severely full of bliss

the music now runs through my veins
the light magically follows my every movement
I'm out of breath yet I feel no pain
dancing is my air of excitement

knowing all eyes are on me
I don't care what they might think
I can be who I want to be
I own the stage, this is my thing

bright smile tingles from my face
flirting through every step of the beat
jumping, shaking, seducing on the stage
as I rule the spotlight feet by feet

as the music was about to stop
I danced throughout my last position
as laughter, cheers, and claps popped
alas I bowed to their satisfaction

Growing Up

2008-10-28T11:19:00.002-07:00

as i walk alone this lonely street
with nothing but naked feet
through paths that was enchanting once
now i cant even see what it was
once felt so fun from every side
suddenly it all just died

i still can remember being young
being doctors til punks
learning from crawling to walking
my first splashing til swimming

where have gone all the good memories
when all we do was all about parties
eagerly to feel what the future held
now all i do is trying to sleep well on my bed

heavy burdens comes greater each day
my teenage years about to fade away
i used to dream being mature
playing dress up haute coutoure
now i stand alone with my two feet
walking independently through this street

i still can remember being young
being doctors til punks
learning from crawling to walking
my first splashing til swimming

where have gone all the good memories
when all we do was all about parties
eagerly to feel what the future held
now all i do is trying to sleep well on by bed

In My Life

2008-10-28T04:28:00.000-07:00

I've learned-
that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is be someone who can be loved.
The rest is up to them.
I've learned-
that no matter how much I care,
some people just don't care back.
I've learned-
that it takes years to build up trust,
and only seconds to destroy it.
I've learned-
that it's not what you have in your life
but who you have in your life that counts.
I've learned-
that you can get by on charm for about
fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better know something.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't compare
yourself to the best others can do.
I've learned-
that you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.
I've learned-
that it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.
I've learned-
that you should always leave loved ones
with loving words. It may be the last
time you see them.
I've learned-
that you can keep going
long after you can't.
I've learned-
that we are responsible for what we do,
no matter how we feel.
I've learned-
that either you control your attitude
or it controls you.
I've learned-
that regardless of how hot and steamy
a relationship is at first, the passion fades
and there had better be something else to take
its place.
I've learned-
that heroes are the people
who do what has to be done
when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.
I've learned-
that money is a lousy way of keeping score.
I've learned-
that my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time.
I've learned-
that sometimes the people you expect
to kick you when you're down
will be the ones to help you get back up.
I've learned-
that sometimes when I'm angry
I have the right to be angry,
but that doesn't give me
the right to be cruel.
I've learned-
that true friendship continues to grow,
even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.
I've learned-
that just because someone doesn't love
you the way you want them to doesn't
mean they don't love you with all they have.
I've learned-
that maturity has more to do with
what types of experiences you've had
and what you've learned from them
and less to do with how many
birthdays you've celebrated.
I've learned-
that you should never tell a child
their dreams are unlikely or outlandish.
Few things are more humiliating, and what
a tragedy it would be if they believed it.
I've learned-
that your family won't always be there for you.
It may seem funny, but people you aren't
related to can take care of you and love you
and teach you to trust people again. Families
aren't biological.
I've learned-
that no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a while
and you must forgive them for that.
I've learned-
that it isn't always enough to be forgiven by
others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive
yourself.
I've learned-
that no matter how bad your heart is broken
the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned-
that our background and circumstances
may have influenced who we are,
but we are responsible for who we
become.
I've learned-
that just because two people argue,
it doesn't mean they don't love each other
And just because they don't argue,
it doesn't mean they do.
I've learned-
that we don't have to change friends
if we understand that friends change.
I've learned-
that you shouldn't be so eager to find out a
secret. It could change your life forever.
I've learned-
that two people can look at the exact same thing
and see something totally different.
I've learned-
that no matter how you try to protect your
children, they will eventually get hurt and
you will hurt in the process.
I've learned-
that your life can be changed in a matter of
hours by people who don't even know you.
I've learned-
that even when you think you have no more
to give, when a friend cries out to you,
you will find the strength to help.
I've learned-
that credentials on the wall
do not make you a decent human being.
I've learned-
that the people you care about most in life
are taken from you too soon.
I've learned-
that it's hard to determine where to draw
the line between being nice and not hurting
people's feelings and standing up
for what you believe

For in my life,
I've learned-
that no matter how hard I tried to be perfect
just because people asked me to be
in the end it's my choice that counts
because it's my life and I'm the one who's living it
and that only God may judge me

My Immortal

2008-10-26T10:33:00.000-07:00

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

[CHORUS:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have all of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating light
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase-

[Chorus]

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

[Chorus]

This song by evanescence really melts me. I almost cry every time I listen to this song.
As you go through it, you'll notice that this song is about an unrecoverable wound from the past.
Whereby this pain was caused by our own loved ones, and there's a part where this song tells about that no matter how much you've tried sooo hard to make them love you back, your actions doesn't guarantee enough to get appreciation of all of your efforts.
The reason that this song really touches me, is that because i know the exact excruciating feeling of being unappreciated by my loved ones.
I've spent most of my lifetime trying to impress others, especially people who i really love and i really care about.
Especially my mom.
Yet, everything I do it never seemed enough. I'm not the type of girl who would ask for any rewards after every achievement I get.
Not even when I was 1st in class.
Not even for my birthday.
Not even when I was first in school.
Not even when I received all of the medals, trophies, awards for dancing, cheerleading, english, math, computing, and others that I've received.
I would always spare her my salary from dancing, video clips and photo shoot.
Still, I don't feel like I'm appreciated enough.
I seldom received a hug, a kiss, a thank you, or even an 'I love you'.
There were times were instead I received a lot of 'F you!'.
I've tried so hard to be a good girl, I've tried so hard to be pretty, I've tried so hard to be the best at everything.
In the end, I am trying so hard to be perfect.
Not just for her, but for everybody I love.
Yet still, somehow I still feel neglected once in a while. I still feel unappreciated.
I've been hurt, back stabbed, humiliated, yelled, thrown stuff at,used, manipulated, fooled, dumped, cheated, lied, harassed, bullied, pressured, countless times.
They've become my grudge and it's killing me each day.
Especially when it comes from people who I trust, I love and I care about.
This is how I can prove that perfection doesn't guarantee happiness.
What is the purpose of being perfect when there's no one there to appreciate it.
No one is even supporting me to be perfect, but it's true that they can't stop pressuring me about becoming one, and I just can't help it some times.
I'd do anything to make everybody happy, but sometimes I'm just not appreciated enough.
I would still get yelled, get used, fooled, pushed sooo many times.
Maybe it's because I can't ever say 'NO' to people.
I mean, I'm the one who's trying to entertain them, but sometimes I'm the one who get treated as if I'm just a piece of dirt and they treat everybody else better than me.
I know I deserve a little break after all of my efforts.
I'm tired of them pushing me to give them what they want, and it's not like anybody had ever supported me to achieve it.
But in the end, I realize that I would never be able to make any difference from my life if I keep on asking the question 'WHY'.
Why cant people appreciate me?
Why cant people notice me?
Why cant people trust me?
Why cant I get better treatment from people?
Therefore I choose to develop myself not to please everybody else.
I choose to develop myself, because I WANT to be better.
and because I WANT to be perfect.
and because I DESERVE to be better.

I was TAGGED but I've no one to tag back.. :(

2008-10-22T23:49:00.000-07:00

Tagged!!

Part One.

Amanda:
The one who tagged me

1. What is the relationship of you and her?
- my studying partner as an OBUAF student here at NIC. hehehe

2. Your five impressions towards her.
- Dependable
- Very very intelligent
- Have a very loud voice
- Extra-ordinary
- Either too lazy or too hard working sometimes.. hahaha

3. The most memorable thing she had done for you.
... when i told her my deepest secret at library bcos i've no one else to run to :)...

4. The most memorable thing she had said to you.
when everytime she's excited to go to class, she'll always say 'HULLA'

5. If she become your lover, you will...
.... I will jump from the window, since i'm straight x) ...

6. If she become your enemy, you will...
hmmm.. i think that's impossible. hahaha

7. If she become your lover, she has to improve on...
.... as i mentioned above, i'm sure i'm straigt soo, i'm not capable to answer this question.

8. If she become your enemy, the reason is...
hmmmm.. maybe one day if she suddenly become my grandfather's 7th wive.. hahaha

9. The most desirable thing to do on her is?
'Amandaaa.. teach meeeeeee... hiihihih'

10. The overall impression of her is?
....... ' oooh it's 11 o'clock, lets take of from chin sf's class!! take ur bags n ruuun!!'

11. How do you think the people around you will feel about you?
... plain?

12. The character of you for yourself is?
Unpredictable

13. On contrary, the character you hate of yourself is?
I'm selfish sometimes..

14. The most ideal person that you wanna be is?
NO ONE.. i dont want to live being someone else's shadow

Part Two.
1. Each player of this game starts off with 15 weird things/habits/little known facts about yourself.

2. People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own 15 weird things/habits/little known facts as well as state the rules clearly.

3. At the end, you need to choose 10 people to be tagged and list their names.

4. No tags back!

- - - - -

1. I like not to wear pants at home or in my room & that bad habit of mine usually causes me to blush because sometimes I get caught by strangers.

2. Sometimes I stupidly change clothes whilst forgetting I'm in a public bathroom.

3. I tend to be very stupid or cry a lot when I drink too much.

4. I eat because I'm sad and I'm sad because I eat.

5. I love to snuggle on my current boyfriend's armpit.

6. Within 5minutes I can seemed either very sad the first 2minutes and very happy for the rest 3 minutes and then act like nothing just happened afterward, and it might go the other way around.

7. Sometimes I can be very angry at myself for feeling my current emotion.

8. I'm so selfish and careless at times til I won't even bother who got elected for president, who is powerful at the moment, whats happening with the world or people around me, and other things that I don't care or I won't even bother to care. Sometimes I don't even recognize that something is wrong with me until someone forces me to listen to them telling me that something is wrong with me.

9. When I have a dream or a strong feeling about something or someone that I do really care about, it always comes true.

10. Most parts of my body are not balanced. I have thin wrists yet fat arms. I have thin legs yet fat thighs. My upper tummy is thin yet my lower tummy is wide, and my right cheek is chubbier than the left. Sometimes I might look so fat while I only weigh 43kg and while others who share the same weight looks so skinny.

11. Sometimes I punish myself for having mean thoughts about others while the other hand I enjoy being vengeful.

12. Sometimes I'm able to look very sad when I'm very happy and very happy when I'm very sad.

13. When suddenly my faces changes to a mean face, that means at that particular time I'm either thinking about my previous bad memories or thinking about killing someone that I hate the most.

14. How I can tell whether a guy is a potential bf for me or not is by his ability of making my cheeks blush or not.

15. I can suddenly dance around foolishly, sing stupidly, or cry out ecstaticly when I've nothing left to do.

Take a deep breath and say it

2008-09-28T09:51:00.001-07:00

"I Love You"

I have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…

“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.
“I can’t”
“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.
“No… I am going to meet a friend…”

He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…

Then one day…

Me: Um, Jin, I …
Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..
Me: I love you.
Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.
That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday filled my room, one by one. There were many…
Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.
Me: Jin…
Jin: Here…take this…
Again, he handed me a little doll.
Me: What’s this?
Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.
Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?
Jin: Today? Huh?
I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”
Jin: You have something to say?
Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…
Jin: What?!
Me: Tell me
I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.
“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”
That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…
After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday
After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.
Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?
I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…
Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…
I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.
Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!
I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.
“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…
Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!

But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…

Honk~ Honk~
With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.
“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.
“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.
That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.
After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.

Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…

“One…two… three…” That was how… I started to count the dolls…
“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.
I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…

“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls,shocked.

“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.

“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
“I love you~”
Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…

“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”

The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…

For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life….

CHOCOLATE

2008-09-28T07:39:00.000-07:00

I used to have this massive chocolate addiction. Even until this day, there are times when I can still get a headache if I hadn't eaten any chocolate in a day.
In this post, I would like to share my knowledge of chocolate, pictures of my chocolate collection and reviews about chocolate. So what is your favorite chocolate?
I love all kinds of chocolate. :):)
I know that eating chocolate may increase the risks of getting zits and fat, but sadly I don't really care.
While others say that diamonds are a girl's best friend, I say that CHOCOLATE is!!
Caused by my addiction of chocolate, my closest friends always say, " if Gian refuses a free chocolate, that means there's something really really bad just happened to her.".
I can't help it, it's who I am, chocolate is an important part of my life that I can't live without. Everybody can say whatever they want, the truth is chocolate is proven to be one of a successful stress-reliever, and it helps build muscle quickly for those who loves to work out.
So why bother stressing out not eating this blissful self-indulgence remedy while there's so much to love about it?
Here's some chocolate reviews for you. :)

CHOCOLATE REVIEWS

ENJOY! :)

My Happy Tipsy Splashy Birthday

2008-09-12T22:40:00.001-07:00

I'm so happy today even though right now my hair smells like eggs and indomie. Today is my birthday and I'm so so happy. I'm slightly a bit disappointed because this is my LAST year as a TEENAGER. I've only got 1 year left and then I'm gonna turn 20. Thank God my face is deceitful so people will tend to believe me when I say I'm only 15. hehehe.
The surprise I got was UNPREDICTABLE. I swear to God I didn't know that I was gonna get smothered with eggs, indomie, soy sauce, cigarette ashes etc last night. I was playing tarot cards this morning, and it did say that I'm going to be happy and there'll be a surprise, but I didn't know that this is the kind of surprise that I'll get, and to add up, I've been drinking wine before so I got punked whilst I was slightly a bit tipsy. hehehe. But I'm so happy and I'm so thankful for all the efforts that my friends and boyfriend had made to give me this surprise. I was so wrong to thought negatively that I'm going to cry again on my birthday this year. my last 3years in a row bday hasn't been pleasant, well so I guess it all balanced off.

I was playing tarot with my bf in my room before, when suddenly he asked me to go downstairs with him. I WAS COMPLETELY SHOCKED! at that moment I knew that something bad was going to happen. Of course I told him that I didn't want to go, but then he carried me on his back, leaving me no choice but to do as he said. So that's when all the messy-ness started. I was running here and there and almost fell a couple of times cause the truth is, my sight was already BLURRY.

If I've had known that I would get punked tonight, I wouldn't have bought the wine from the first place and I wasn't a bit curious when my bf told me to drink up, I thought he only wanted me to loosen up a little bit on my bday, turns out there's a shrimp behind the stone. hehehe. I couldn't see who was throwing what and they even said that I accidentally bump in to a stranger in the elevator. OH GOSH, I'm such a clown!

When all of my friends were having too much fun, suddenly I noticed that my bf went missing, but since I was too busy running here and there to chase my friends, I didnt care much about him. Every year on my bday, I would never asked for cadeux, presents and everything else, all I asked each year is just for my and my beloved happiness, though lately I've been craving and having this massive desire to buy a bean bag for my new room! But I didn't ask for anyone to buy it for me because I was planning to save some of my own money to buy it because it was kind of expensive.
After all the running and party-ing was done, I went upstairs to take a bath, I was sooo stinky and messy. I asked my bf to get my clothes from my room cause I didn't want to enter my room, I didn't want my room to get stinky. As I got back from the bathroom to go to my room, THERE IT WAS!! the blue beanbag that I've been craving for!! IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN MY ROOM!!

Turns out, the whole time my bf went missing, he was running to get the beanbag from his room and put it in my room! HE BOUGHT THE EXACT BEANBAG THAT I WANTED AS MY BIRTHDAY GIFT!! I was ecstatic, not to mention speechless, excited, happy, all at that very moment at the same time!!
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD!
This has to be the best birthday ever! I'm sooo lucky to have such loving family, friends and boyfriend.
I'll never forget this moment and I don't ever want to!
That's why I'm putting this story in my blog, as my memoir of this day and to share my festiveness to my blog reader.

Last but not least, I really really want to say thank you for my family, friends and boyfriend for the birthday wishes, the pleasant surprise and for this loving memory.
THANK YOU!! :D:D

Thou Shalt Not Judge Book By Cover

2008-09-11T08:10:00.000-07:00

I tried to plugged my ears, I tried not to listen.
Then these eyes saw what i shouldn't have seen.
My mouth now freezes as my heart aches.
My desire of inquisitiveness urges.
Yet this yearning leads me to my doom.
Now I've re-exiled my heart in an infernal room.

I've opened my heart to you
Take it if you will, just don't make it blue.
Regardlessly knowing the past is true.
I love you without knowing you.

My scar reminds me of what is real
Yet now a secret of you revealed
Old wounds pierced my memories of past
Scared though I've learned love while it last
Nothing to worry, I vowed not to fade away
I know you're past still I love you more each day

I've opened my heart to you
Take it if you will, just don't make it blue.
Regardlessly knowing the past is true.
I love you without knowing you.

Hold my hands and take me away
Be my savior, heal my past
Take me to the present day
Give me something that will last

Cause I've opened my heart to only you
Take it if you will, just don't make it blue.
Regardlessly knowing the past is true.
I love you without knowing you.
As time goes by and things are new.
I'm starting to learn the present you.
Despite of learning memoirs of you.
Now I love you for truly you

You see, I've never judge people from the outside and from their past nor background. Yet somehow people tend to judge me from what they've heard or seen of me. yes, this poem is dedicated to my bf but I do hope that it might be a tool to help people to realize that not everybody judge from the outside & I hope that by posting this blog I can make a small change and make people realize that what they see is not always what they get.
In my life, my closest and dearest expected me to be perfect all the time, this explains my previous poem with the title "I'm Not Perfect & I Don't Claim To Be".
The day that I wrote the poem is the day when I'm on my limit of insanity and despair. I'm tired of living just to please everybody I love.
I hate being veiled all the time, I need some air by taking off my mask. I have to be a perfect girl,daughter, sister, friend, lover, student all at the same time and I know it's best for me but I really need a break once in a while. Believe or not even when I'm wearing my mask as a 'perfect' or a 'goody2' girl people still talk bad stuff or bad assumption behind my back, even sometimes those speculations can come from people who don't even know me!
Oh what a pity living a life in a world which demands you to be perfect 24/7. I don't smoke though I've tried, I never cheated in a relationship though I'm vengeful, I 'm not open minded about free sex, I'm not on drugs though I'm open-minded bout it, I always give what my parents want from me and I take my education life seriously, yet somehow I still can get bad judgment and even my mom still doesn't trust me. Whatever should I do to gain trust and understanding? To be honest, it does hurt me sometimes to be judge by people looking photos of me drinking or in a club or by looking at how I dress up. To tell you the truth, yes I drink on special occasions, but I ALWAYS go to the club either with my family, or with my trusted boyfriend only and I don't drink in front of people that I don't trust especially dogs (by that I mean jerks, perverts, and assholes). Just because I like to loosen up occassionaly or dress up the way I like doesn't mean that I'm a bad girl.

By looking at these photos of me, whatever do you think of me NOW? How can a reasonable person judge another person by looking at their photos?

How do you dare to judge me only through one perspective? Pictures can't describe a person's personality, so how is it possible that people can judge others through it?
Back in the old days people can even call me a slut when I don't respond their phone calls or messages and the thing is, they're 100% unknown strangers!! It's not that I'm a snob or cold-hearted girl, but I'm just not an EASY girl, and if I was a slut, wouldn't I be responding those strangers rather than running away? Can people at least make a little effort to know me better so they can judge me for who I really am inside and out?
What I mean by veiled is not that I'm fake, I'm still who I really am, the girl you see everyday but there's just too many things about me that not everybody must know, and the mask that I wear is not to cover the real girl inside, but I'm using my mask as a shield to prevent me from the damages this world might cause to my mind, body, and soul.
But maybe when the time and the price is right, I know I'll reveal the rest of me someday.
SOON, perhaps. :)
Just stay tuned to my blog, you'll never know. I'm already starting to give you readers the pieces of me slowly anyway. :)

I've found happiness at last

2008-08-24T05:43:00.000-07:00

Most of my blog posts describes my sadness, but this time I'm going to write about how happy I am at the moment. :)
I've been having problems moving on from my former 3years boyfriend. It's not that I'm not happy with him it's just that we weren't exactly meant to be.
I've went through a lot for the past 3 years and we've suffered quite a lot. Alas, I'm so proud of myself for finally being able to gather all of my courage to end it once and for all.
I'm quite traumatized from my previous relationship, I was so petrified, I was desolated by my needless thoughts of being paranoid of getting hurt again.
Then I realize that I wouldn't know anything until I tried.
So now I've finally moved on and I've found someone new. I was dead scared t first, I was paranoid that this relationship was indeed another game that guys love to play at naive girls.
We went through a lot when we started going out. There were trust issues and problems from my family.
The funny thing is, we started just as friends. I even told him stories about my ex and as we started getting to know each other well, feelings started to bloom.
He was the missing pieces that I needed, he could take good care of me and that's exactly what I needed the most at my lonely times being far away from home.
He and I lived an entirely different world. He's so spontaneous and here I am a perfectionists. We're two very different people, nevertheless I guess opposites do attracts. Despite of our differences, we do have a few things in common. He creates music while I performs with music. We both love the idea that we can talk to each other about almost everything.
Yes, I am yearning and craving for someone that I can really talk to. We could just hang out, listening to our ipods and talk about everything until 7am in the morning and still having fun. :)
So I guess as our differences completes each other, our likeliness bonds us.
I've never been so happy in a relationship before, I hope that we'll stay this way for a long time and I hope that this bliss will not end soon. :)
Even though that I know my past still haunts me sometimes, but I shouldn't let it prevent me from achieving my happiness. I'll let it be my lesson to learn and to be cautious and not to trust people to easily again.

"For my past didn't kill me and so it shall be my lesson to be stronger and the wounds caused by it shall be my reminder of that the previous memories are real."
another quote originally created by me. ;)

xoxo

I'm not perfect and I dont claim to be

2008-08-24T04:53:00.000-07:00

I've tried my best but it never seemed enough.
Dare not to judge if you don't know whats tough.
I'm desolated by my needless childish thoughts.
I've won the war yet more battles must be fought.

I've tried so hard to make them see.
That this is all that I can be.
I've tried so hard to make them see.
Yet they wanted more from me.

Too much I desire my long-lost wound less nights.
Cadaverously I'm regaining my soul with all I might.
My appearance of festiveness are all illusions and lies.
You might recall if may perceive these hollowed-eyes.

I've tried so hard to make them see.
That this is all that I can be.
I've tried so hard to make them see.
Yet they wanted more from me.

I've tried to run, I've tried to hide.
What they don't know is that I'm veiled.
My heads up high yet I've no pride.
I'm ashamed of how I've wailed.

I've tried so hard to make them see.
That this is all that I can be.
I've tried so hard to make them see.
Yet they wanted more from me.

Too long I've kept this ached heart sealed.
Someday with modesty shall it be revealed.
Somehow I must show them of what is real.
Hoping someone might help me heal.

Yet somehow they still can't see
That this is all that I can be.
I've tried so hard to make them see.
Yet they still wanted more from me.
I've pierced my heart to let them see.
That I'm not perfect and I don't claim to be

23.07.2008
originally created by :
Gianayu Pertiwi

my confessions

2008-05-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

again, i was inspired by a song to post a blog. this time its an indonesian singer.
afgan- my confessions.
the most common issue about love is not being able to show how you feel. how can it be that way when love actually is all about expressing your feelings?
let me write you the text. BUT!
please know that i wrote the text by hearing from my laptop's speaker, so it may not be 100% correct.

your smile brings light into my days.
the thoughts of you wandering right now
to hold you in my arms
even in my dreams it feels so right loving you
you never see the way i look into your eyes
you never realize the love i feel inside.
hidden so long they're haunting me
cause words are left unsaid
now you found someone else to love
deep in my heart i wont fade away
to hold you in my arms
even in my dreams it feels so right loving you
you never see the way i look into your eyes
you never realize the love i feel inside
hidden so long they're haunting me
cause words are left unsaid

why is it so hard to express love? is it because of fear? is it pride?
how can it haunt you so deeply just because of words unspoken?
somebody better tell me quick, cause i really need an answer right now. right now all i want is that to be free but with having someone who would still love me, adore me, cherish me, all at the same time. i know how selfish i am, but this is confusing for me too.
how can you be able to keep in contact with someone you love without being able to say i love you?
how can you be sooo in love with someone loves you back, but knowing that you two are just not meant to be with each other?
it's like saying 'i love you' is a grudge waiting to ruin you.
they say that to look in a lover's eyes, you can see that love is true.
or maybe you can see whether love is true or not through a kiss.
how can you be so sure of that while eyes are deceitful and kisses are manipulative?
they might've mislead you easily.
so how is it that you really can identify this thing called love?
i always say that love is just a mixed-up word for a raging hormonal problems. everybody say that love is suppose to be beautiful.
if it is suppose to be beautiful, then how come he's not mine when we do love each other?
to love is not to own they say. then why are we wasting our time by dreaming for something that we can never achieve?
to love is to set free your loved one to be happy. then why to love in the first place when you know you'll end up throwing them away?
what is this thing called love?
i do love to look at someone in the eye when i say 'i love you', and i would always mean it.
but how can i reassure him that its real?
is there really any love in this world?
if there isn't, then can someone explain what i'm feeling right now?
i feel nauseous, i cant stop thinking about him especially his eyes, my heart keeps pounding everytime i see his name online on msn, and suddenly i can act crazy for no reason at all.
is that really how love can make you feel?
is that how love is supposed to be? beautiful?
because it's not beautiful to me, and even if love is supposed to be beautiful, then how come two people who are completely in love are just not meant to be?

xoxo
Giddy'Gianayu

love/lust/leisure/lost.

2008-05-16T08:57:00.000-07:00

these 4 L-words are very common in relationships. these four words have 2 different effects, which are good effect and bad effect.

love is the basic of a relationship, sometimes it brings joy, yet too much love lead to disasters and chaos. a very important tip to all ladies, NEVER EVER EVER SHOW THAT YOU LOVE YOUR BOYFRIEND. you must always leave them wanting more. we humans are selfish, but a boy must always be more selfish than you, because if he isn't then he will dump you straight away. you must show that you have your dignity as a lady. most guys only like the chase because they'll do anything to look cool in front of their friends, therefore they must always have a girlfriend at all time.

lust. this one is a very tough word to explain. a guy who truly loves you is actually a guy who WOULDN'T touch you. every time they make love to you, they will always say that they did it because they love you and that they did it 100% pure only love and not a single bit lust in their mind. that is definitely not true. if there isn't any lust, they wouldn't have start touching you in the first place right? okay, i know sometimes girl can feel lust too.
but there's no reason to lie about it, and to be honest some lust really can spice things up between relationships, but yet again too much lust tends to turn love into obsession.
obsession of what you asked? lust can turn love into obsession of either the sex or the nonsense feelings of dependency. i don't want to teach you not to use feelings for your first night, but pleasee be very very cautious and don't ever do it when you're not ready.
also make sure that even though you may not be a virgin, but save the "i want it to be special" part only for your husband.

leisure is all about filling your empty time with FUN FUN FUN! yes, once you've manage to control your love&lust feelings you feel like your on the right track. you'd probably feel like everyday all you want to do is just use your spare time to hang out with your boyfriend.
I know how blissful it feels like to always be with the one you love.
I'm sorry to tell you this but, that's a BIG MISTAKE! guys are very easy to socialize. they can go anywhere anytime they want. so if you're always with your bf 24/7, after you broke up, he wouldn't feel a thing because he still got his friends and guess where does that left you? oh yes, you'd probably end up all alone because u left all of your friends for him and then you'd miss him sooo much because he's always around you 24/7 and in the end you'll feel like you're just a last-year-i-was-a-desired-TOY.

lost. sometimes being lost can mean not-knowing-what-you-don't-want-to-know, as in you purposely want to be lost. sometimes you really need time for yourself to relax, to neutralize all your body and mind.
so switch off your phone, turn off your laptop, lock yourself in your room, but always remember that one day all that must stop and you must be ready to open your door when the time has come.
this last common L-word is what you'll feel after you realize that no matter how much money you spent, how many times you wasted, how many activities and other important things you sacrifice, in the end you know that you're just wasting your life to waste so many precious things just for a guy. they wouldn't die for you, they're not the one who've been raising you, and they're definitely not responsible for who and what you are.
sometimes they won't even answer your phone calls! so girls, if you've gone through all of this, don't regret it. just MAKE SURE that you won't have to go through this all over again.
i know how painful it is, otherwise I wouldn't have use that picture up there to describe this post.
never regret what's already done, its not like you can turn back the time unless you have a time machine.
but, if you DO have a time machine, can you pleasee let me borrow it?? :D:D
hehehe. cause i've been through all of this and i just want to turn back time to prevent this to happen. but i STILL don't and won't regret a single bit of it. i know that someday all of this will make me a better and stronger girl.
so that's all for me today.

your beloved little girl
xoxo
Generous'Gianayu.
;)

wine and dine

2008-05-12T01:33:00.000-07:00

As you can see on my blog, I wrote a few of my favorite foods. if you are food-knowledgeable, you might notice that most of my favorite foods are Italian.
well then, that's right! I am a big fan of Italian foods. I do love cheese, but not too much. I find Italian food quite interesting, I adore the mixture of the exotic, sweet, yet magical taste, and the oh-so-tempting smell.
YUMMIE is the correct word to describe how Italian foods taste like. Some people may find it fattening, well I don't really care. It's their lost if they haven't tried the joy of eating Italian foods, and it's a must to drink red wine after Italian food, DO NOT FORGET!
Italian food really soothes me, and the wine could really help me calming down.
Someday, I would love to marry an Italian chef. Waking up to find that my husband made me a breakfast in bed every Sunday morning, and please do not forget the roses!:)
Every night we would cook dinner with the moonlight shining at our kitchen, probably a little wine to make it sweet after dine, and probably making love on the kitchen floor to spice things up? :)
I would love to go around Europe for my honeymoon. I would love to go to Italy, go sight-seeing and try all of their exotic foods, wines, and dessert of course!
I know all of this sounds really cheesy, but hey, you can't blame a girl from dreaming right?
all of you have your own fantasies, and I have mine.

You know I'm the only one you adore. ;)
xoxo
Glamorous Gianayu.
hahahaha.

i dont see what anyone else can see in anyone else, but you

2008-04-28T05:33:00.000-07:00

i don't see what anyone else can see in anyone else but you.
yes, I've been listening to this song for 10 times just now.
this song is the soundtrack of the movie "JUNO".
the story of the movie is about 2 kids who are best friends until they decided to have sex just to know how it feels.
well, i think it's better if you watch it yourself, it really is a must watch movie.
it's sweet, funny and exciting at the same time.
i love the lyric of this song because it's sweet and romantic but it's definitely not cheesy.
i love those kind of love songs, sometimes cheesy songs are sooo lame!
and because i'm single, lonely and slightly a bit desperate at this time, so i despise hearing cheesy love songs.
pray for my patience of waiting for my Mr.Right will you?
pray for him to be a sexy, smart, and sensitive guy, ok?
please and thank you!
you know you adore me, xoxo.
GG (georgeous gianayu)
hahaha. i'm so cliche!

i cant sleep

2008-04-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

God i miss him so much right now! I start reading books by Zoe Dean since couple of months ago and theres a lovely quote and i feel like thats how loving him felt like.
It goes like this:

"people can call it passion, or lust, or obsession. i really dont care. when im with him, touching him is the only time i feel completely alive. if you've never felt the power of that, then i feel sorry for you"

well actually that quote was dedicated to a girl, but since i'm straight so i turned all the "she" into "he".
i tried so hard to be with him. we've been together for almost 3years. not only that he's my ex-boyfriend, but he's also my best friend.
i really miss talking to him.
i miss the way we would play around, the way he would kiss me and hug me and tease me.
it feels so great just to be with him.
i know that this feeling could be temporary.
but really, though sometimes i hate him sooooo much.
but in the end its because i love him too much. :)
i really wishes him all the best.
i wish he's happy. :)
but i really really do miss him so bad. :(

my lost life between love, lust, and leisure

For how long do u plan to stay 17 y.o? :D

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L L L

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new haircut muse : UFFIE

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I need a new haircut & I need your suggestions

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Gianayu 13/09/1989

untitled

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LIGHTS & MUSIC part deux

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another endless tags.. @_@

jealousy..

Lights and Music

Falling Star

cooking with love <3

What you are to me <3

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an unexpected exchange of gifts.

Dear mom

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Just a simple little piece of my mind..

My Passion

Growing Up

In My Life

My Immortal

I was TAGGED but I've no one to tag back.. :(

Take a deep breath and say it

CHOCOLATE

My Happy Tipsy Splashy Birthday

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I've found happiness at last

I'm not perfect and I dont claim to be

my confessions

love/lust/leisure/lost.

wine and dine

i dont see what anyone else can see in anyone else, but you

i cant sleep

Gianayu
13/09/1989